Hamish

You like the name Hamish.

What's not to like? This traditional Scottish name evokes images of claymores and cabers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caber_toss), highlands and haggis. 'Tis a mighty name, with a kick-ass short form, "Ham."

In case you're wondering, the missus and I are expecting. Don't know yet whether it will be a boy or no, but if it is, Hamish is my first choice for a name. Now, the missus, well, she's not so partial to it. So here's your chance to convince her. Comment on why you like the name Hamish so much.

Because you do like it. I said you like it.

PS: Guinness may be delicious, but it can still give you a doozy of a hangover.

Guinness

You like Ireland's best beverage, Guinness.

Treasured by donnybrook participants and pregnant women alike, Guinness has set the stout standard for centuries. It's gorgeous to look at, and the texture is the very definition of the word smooth. And then there's the flavor. It's like inhaling fertile earth - and that's a good thing.

Guinness also has some of the best beer gear: http://www.guinnesswebstore.com/index.asp. Free t-shirts you get in cases of lesser brews are all well and good. But sometimes you need to shell out a few bucks and get a garment that's an event every time you put it on.

Sure, Guinness commercials are a little slim in the bikini-clad chicks department. For one of the best beers on the planet, though, we can forgive this small oversight. Besides, any beer commercial can have babes. But how many can get away with focusing on nothing but their gorgeous product?

Shamisen

You like the shamisen, a traditional Japanese three-stringed instrument perhaps best-described as that country's version of an ancient banjo.

My wife and I had the opportunity to watch two shamisen players rockin' out at a street festival in a little town called Higashi-izumo, in a rural part of Japan. It was freakin' sweet, like lucking into a couple of old blues masters with acoustic guitars on a porch in Alabama - if there can ever be anything lucky about being in Alabama. (Sorry, Alabama - never been there, but everyone says you suck, and I just follow the herd.)

Check out this video of the shamisen: http://www.robpongi.com/pages/comboSHAMISENLO.html. Yeah, it loads slow - I noticed. Wait for it or fuck off.

Colonial Forts

You like Canada's castles. I'm referring, of course, to the colonial fortifications built by the British that still dot our landscape.

When I was a kid I totally didn't appreciate these enough. To me, castles were thousand-year old fortresses only found in Europe. Well you know what? Fuck Europe, with its "we've got real castles and you don't" attitude. We've got castles, too, and they're bigger and better made than most of the shitty castles in merry olde England.

Check out the Citadel in Halifax: http://www.halifaxinfo.com/images/merchants/CitadelAerial.jpg. Or Kingston's Fort Henry: http://www.parks.on.ca/fort/aboutfrt.htm. Yeah, that's right - so suck it Kenilworth Castle and Pfalzggrafenstein Kaub. (Actually, that second one is pretty cool, even if its name is unpronounceable.)

I've had enough of New World kids playing knights, with their plastic swords and thees and thous. From now on, tomahawks and fixed-bayonet muskets only.

Online Shopping

You like online shopping.

Have you paused to think about how radical this really is? It didn't exist little more than a decade ago. And now you can buy virtually any product manufactured anywhere on the planet and have it delivered to your doorstep. The prices are better, too - you can source the lowest, cut-rate merchant on six continents.

There are no people to deal with, either: the salesperson who insists on telling you his/her opinion of the shirt you're thinking of buying - like, fuck right off - or the hordes of vapid shopper zombies (http://www.americanpopularculture.com/journal/articles/fall_2002/harper.htm) stumbling into your way with their sweaty faces and fattened-calf children.

You can also make like a greedy king and surf for hours compiling vast lists of all the goods that will eventually be yours. Looking at the thousands of links on your favorites - all the while chanting "Mine, mine, mine!" - is almost as good as actually owning all that booty.

Of course, there is still the little problem of government oversight and borders. If I can just figure out a way to get a big box o' whores and rockets through customs...

Chickenshit Theists

You don't like religion. God is just a make-believe friend for adults. Grow up.

Why don't Christians believe in Zeus? Why don't Muslims believe in Thor? Why don't Jews believe in Marduk, and Hindus believe in Santa Claus? They would all scoff: "That's ridiculous - those are just myths!"

Precisely. All of the so-called arguments that the ancients used to justify their beliefs - "Thunder has to come from somewhere..." - fail to sway a devout theist to convert to an ancient, heathen cult; the arguments justifying OTHER religions are utterly unconvincing to our devout, God-fearing theist. Yet somehow the religion THEY believe in is true, and the arguments used to dismiss IT are incorrect. How convenient.

I'll write a book today that's full of bullshit about magical beings with wings and trumpets, and an almighty being that rules the universe (like this: http://www.amazon.com/Gospel-Flying-Spaghetti-Monster/dp/0812976568/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-2124205-8286559?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1187962573&sr=8-1). Christians will dismiss it as bullshit, which it is. So I'll bury the book in a time capsule. When the time capsule is unearthed in 2,000 years, will the bullshit suddenly become gospel truth? Why would Christians scoff at a cult leader claiming to be the modern messiah - and well they should - yet they're willing to believe the claims of a 2,000 year old book?

"But it's not just any book - it's the Bible. I know it's true because of my faith. It gives meaning to my life and hope to the world."

In other words, theists are chicken shit. They sense the great unknown lurking just beyond their narrow minds and they recoil in horror. Instead, they continue to inflict their petty religions on the handful of us with the courage to recognize the truth: We don't know, and we're going to die not knowing.

Tiny Terriers

You like tiny terriers.

Make no mistake, huge dogs rule. I'm a mastiff fan, fer sure. But just because you love giants, doesn't mean you can't like midgets. And small dogs are practical in ways 200-pounds behemoths aren't. The advantage of the smallest terriers is that you get toy dog size without toy dog wussiness. I'm a dog lover, but shih tzus? Maybe they're sweet and affectionate, I don't know, but they look silly, and they were bred to be throw pillows.

Terriers have character. They went underground and battled wild animals on their own turf. This working history, softened by companion breeding, has created dogs that are bold and friendly, tenacious and intelligent. Some of the smallest...

1. Border terrier: small but long-legged, so they can keep up on a jog. The distinctive otter-like face is adorable and they're known for their friendliness. But how cool is this little tidbit from their breed standard? "In the field he is hard as nails...and driving in attack." (http://www.akc.org/breeds/border_terrier/)
2. Norwich terrier: they may look like small teddy bears, and be known for their loyalty and affection, but they're brave little warriors, too: "A hardy hunt terrier - honorable scars from fair wear and tear are acceptable." (http://www.akc.org/breeds/norwich_terrier/)
3. Lakeland terrier: cute comes second with these alert but friendly hunters from the mountains of England's Lake District, but that's part of their charm - they look like a miniature version of larger breeds, such as the Airedale. (http://www.akc.org/breeds/lakeland_terrier/)
4. Yorkshire terrier: These little fellows are too often bedecked with bows. Ugh. These teacup terriers used to kill rats in mines, so they're the real deal, even if their typical owner is a dotty old lady. (http://www.akc.org/breeds/yorkshire_terrier/index.cfm)

And no, I don't advocate dog fighting or sicking pets on rabbits and squirrels, so fuckin' relax. You can like the qualities of a hunter - and admire strength you have no intention of testing - even in a pet.

Small Motorcycles

You like Japan's motorcycles, and I'm not referring to the crotch-rockets you can get here in Canada. No, in Japan you'll find a wicked assortment of small displacement bikes and scooters parked on the sidewalks and zipping along narrow, neon streets. Bikes like the Kawasaki Estrella (http://www.kawasaki-estrella.com/html/i-m-versionen.html) and the Honda Super Cub (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honda_Super_Cub), or the wicked little 100 cc jobbies the cops ride. Of course, the small phenomenon can be taken to absurd extremes, like the Honda Gorilla, the stupidest-looking motorcycle to ever be street legal anywhere: http://images.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://world.honda.com/news/1998/image/2980122.gif&imgrefurl=http://world.honda.com/news/1998/2980122.html&h=253&w=320&sz=29&hl=en&start=6&um=1&tbnid=xlGLERxB9DqkOM:&tbnh=93&tbnw=118&prev=/images%3Fq%3D%2522honda%2Bgorilla%2522%2Bmotorcycle%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den. I'd rather pedal a green machine down the street (remember these? http://blastavenue.blogspot.com/) than be seen on a Gorilla. Okay, that's not true - honestly, you'd have to be a fuckin' jerk to ride either on a city street.

Few of Japan's cool, small bikes can be purchased in Canada, however. So once again in this blog (see http://iwilltellyouwhatyoulike.blogspot.com/2007/07/land-rover.html), I'd like to send Transport Canada a big "You suck!"

Cauliflower Ear

You like cauliflower ear.

Far from being a deformity, cauliflower ear (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cauliflower_ear) is a badge of honor. Don't know what I'm even talking about? Well, CE is a condition where the ears have suffered damage and healed in a deformed shape - usually flattish disks. Typically, CE is the result of multiple injuries to the ears, usually inflicted while wrestling or grappling - hence the reason why it's freakin' cool. A person with severe CE is a person who's done their time on the mats. So a hint to all you wannabe tough guys out there: If you're gonna mess with anyone at the bar, probably best you don't choose the guy with the fucked up ears ("Hey ugly! Yeah, you, the guy with the stupid lookin' ears - I'm talkin' to you, pal. What, you wanna take this outside? I should warn you, though, I do a lot of boxercise!").

Carhartt

You like rugged clothes for good prices and Carhartt's threads are both. Whether you're looking for double-thickness dungarees for doing some framing, a barn coat for hauling hay, or a vest to throw on when you're using the chainsaw in the back 40, these work clothes fit the bill.

The king of the bunch, though, has to be their winter coveralls: http://www.carhartt.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10101&storeId=10051&productId=32200&langId=-1&categoryId=10908. I'm so gonna have a pair of these when I'm living in the country. And I'll wear them every day from November to February. Sure, they make you look like a serial killer, but there are worse things: you could look like a serial killer with bad taste in coveralls.

Soapstone Sculpture

You like Inuit carvings.

Native art has started to get broad exposure worldwide, and none is more desirable than the soapstone carvings produced by the Inuit (see examples: http://www.inuitart.org/content.aro?pageID=17). While prices can be lofty, a beautiful statue can still be had for well under $1,000.

There's something very appealing about the signature style, with it's rich surface tones, animal subjects, and timeless material. A large, shaped rock can also double nicely as a weapon, something the Chretiens discovered when the RCMP failed to stop a paranoid schizophrenic from going after the (then) PM and his wife in their own home: http://thecanadianencyclopedia.com/index.cfm?PgNm=TCE&Params=M1ARTM0010953.

Cats

You like having a cat, even if you've been an avowed cat-hater until this point.

Cats are chronically misunderstood. The reason is that they're usually aloof with people they don't know. Only a cat owner gets to witness his cat's true personality. If you really despise felines, though, this can be a tough thing to take on faith. So maybe thinking of them another way will help: Cats are miniature tigers - cool, little predators - that provide 80% of the companionship of a dog with only 20% of the work. That sounds pretty good, right?

And don't think that liking cats means changing your allegiance from being a dog person to being a cat person. We just need to change the titles completely, to cool person and fuckin-clown (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fucking+clown - not to be confused with a clown fucker, which is something else altogether). Cool people know dogs and cats both rock. Fuckin-clowns hate dogs and actually hate cats, too. They would deny the latter, of course - "But I love my Mr. Muggles!" - but I know the truth. Fuckin-clowns (previously known as cat people) deny cats the dignity they deseve by treating felines like finicky, wussy plush toys, or finicky, wussy miniature dictators (Exhibit A: that unfunny A-hole Garfield).

Traditional cat lovers have done cats a grave disservice. They've branded the entire species as the pet of choice for eccentric losers, when they're actually just choice pets.

Lake Vostok

You like Antarctica, the planet's seventh and most remote continent.

You can still find antique maps that don't even show a continent where Antarctica lies. Most of it has still never heard a human voice, or even been traversed by a mammal. It's an empty, frozen desert, with the coldest temperatures and the highest average elevation on Earth. In short, it's the best place, period, to start up a massive, outdoor paintball facility.

The balls would sting like a bitch cuz they'd be frozen, the dye would show up really well on the snow, and the pack ice, ice shelves, icebergs and, well, ice, would provide ever-changing obstacles, trenches and defensive structures. You could even offer a high-roller version, where teams do HALO parachute jumps (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HALO/HAHO) onto opposite sides of the continent and hunt each other down. That would fuckin' rock...until someone accidentally broke through the ice covering Lake Vostok (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lake_Vostok) and woke a slumbering sea demon with an insatiable appetite for human flesh. That might not fuckin' rock as much.

Hiking

You like hiking, tramping, trekking - whatever it's called in your neck of the woods.

Read a book. Go on, read one - I'll wait. If it's an adventure story, odds are the hero will do some walking. Get it? Heroes and walking go together like bleeding eyes and the ebola virus (http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/dvrd/spb/mnpages/dispages/ebola/qa.htm).

There's something very cool about having the ability to walk into the wilderness at a moment's notice and emerge hours or even days later, tens of miles away, unscathed. You know that urge you get when you see a beautiful landscape? That Julie Andrews "Hills are Alive" feeling? That's your inner, primal conqueror telling you to walk. Besides, studies show that the smell of sweat mixed with deet and sunscreen is an aphrodisiac. What studies? Fuck you - studies, okay!

Judo

You like Judo.

This Japanese martial art doesn't have the flashiness of Tae Kwon Do's kicks, the name recognition of Karate, or the cinema exposure of Kung Fu. What it has, however, is combat-effective throws, holds and joint-locks that can be safely practiced at near full speed and power, and a minimum of Eastern mysticism and/or macho bullshit.

There are other effective martial arts. Jiu-Jitsu, Thai boxing, and boxing are all important parts of a well-rounded fighter's education. But the advantage Judo has over Jiu-Jitsu is consistency. While there are stellar Jiu-Jitsu clubs and teachers, it may be hard to know if your local instructor is the real deal. With Judo, there is only one federation worldwide, and its inclusion in the Olympics has made instruction affordable and ubiquitous even in small communities. There's a minimum of "poser" Judo teachers. A Kodokan-certified Judo instructor is guaranteed to know accepted judo techniques and be able to implement them in real world situations.

Then, of course, there are true stories about Judo being used in real combat. Check out the 30.10.2002 post on this blog: http://redwolf.com.au/column/archive/2002_10.html. I remember when this story was actually in the news. To quote Aliens: "Absolutely bad-asses."

Bagpipes

The great highland bagpipes are, without a doubt, the finest musical instrument ever invented, which is why you like them so much.

They're a bitch to learn, mind you. Before you even play the pipes, you first have to master a recorder-like thing called a chanter. That alone can take most of a year. So while I might be too damn lazy to do it myself, I'm sure glad other people have the fortitude to learn the bloody things, because they sound like...um...what do they sound like?

Well, en masse, with accompanying drums, they sound like war in Heaven. "Haunting" is too cliche a term to describe the solo pipes - "stirring" is more like it; it's the sound of vitality in the face of near-certain death. Pipes have the power to give courage to cowards. An analysis by the Pentagon post-Vietnam showed that 10 pipers were the equivalent of a battalion of special forces on the battlefield. Had America employed more bagpipes, Vietnam might now be the 51st state.

Okay, that's total bullshit, but you get my point. And remember: for pipe music, always crank the volume to 11. (Check out these samples: http://www.bostonpipers.com/iainsound.html. But for full effect, pipes should be played outdoors, accompanied by snare and bass drums - or howitzers.)

Water Pack

You like surviving. That's why you've got the tomahawk, you've got the blockhouse and you've got the Land Rover Defender (see previous posts). Now you need to round out the ensemble with a hydration pack: http://www.mec.ca/Products/product_detail.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524442617927&FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302699815&bmUID=1186667403603

We can survive weeks without food but mere days without water. So nothing says "I'm ready for the apocalypse RIGHT NOW" better than having three liters of tasty water strapped to your back - no, not even one of those 12-inch Rambo knives. If you're serious about being a bad-ass motherfucker, you need to get serious about hydration.

Audi TT

You like art objects that can whisk you down the highway at license-losing speeds. The Audi TT Roadster certainly qualifies: http://www.audi.de/etc/medialib/cms4imp/audi2/product/tt/tt_roadster/ttr_2006.Par.0039.Image.jpg

This is hands down the finest looking automobile to come out of the last decade. You know you've come up with a classic when the car you've created would look stylish in the 1930s and the 2030s. Sure, there are faster wheels, but who gives a shit? Once you've doubled the legal speed limit, do you really need to go faster? The coupe version is gorgeous, too. But buying a sports car that isn't a convertible is just stupid. If you're going to make an impractical purchase, go all the way.

The only downside to the TT, like all sports cars, is that 90-percent of the people who drive them are insufferable pricks.

Stompin' Tom

You like Hillary Clinton for President, 2008!

Naw, I'm just bullshittin' ya. Today you like Stompin' Tom Connors.

I don't know that Canada the nation, in 2007, is worthy of Connors's constant, high praise. But maybe. Listen to Stompin' Tom's patriotic music long enough and you just might believe it is. Each song is a (usually amusing) story set in some part of this big country. His greatest hits collection is a terrific survey: http://www.amazon.ca/25-Best-Stompin-Tom-Sou/dp/B000056KT2/ref=sr_1_1/701-3412941-2280300?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1186490124&sr=1-1. He's kind of Canada's answer to Johnny Cash, but not really. I prefer Connors (while granting that Cash at his best is near impossible to beat).

Hey, I've got an idea: let's decide right now to make Stompin' Tom our write-in candidate in the next federal election, and we'll move the capital from Ottawa to Tillsonburg. Fuckin' A, eh! (Are we even given the option of writing in candidates on our ballots? Screw it, do it anyway.)

Boba Fett

Every once in a while - ie. very rarely - it's okay to let your inner geek step into the sun, which is why you have this narrow window of opportunity today to admit that you like Boba Fett.

If Han Solo was cool, how cool is the dude who owns his frozen ass? Fett backtalked Darth Vader and lived. You know why? Because Vader was shitting in his black plastic pants ("If I try to do the phantom choke on Fett, he might just slap me down in front of the storm troopers.").

Wicked armor, bad-ass ship, knows actions speak louder than words: unlike that holy roller crustacean Dog - hey pal, Cinderella called and they want their fashion statement back - Fett makes bounty hunting look awesome.

If you suffer from the same problem as Vader, these folks can help: http://www.depend.com/. Okay, time's up until next year. Bye-bye nerd.

Tahiti Treat

You like the world famous treat from Tahiti. What treat? Well Christ, there's only one: Tahiti Treat. Or, as the dipsticks who make the stuff now call it, Tahitian Treat...cuz that's an improvement...

Used to be you could find this soda pop in every corner store. Now, it's more uncommon than integrity in Ontario politics. Apparently there are regions in the United States where it's still distributed. Other than that, you can get it at Amazon, of all places: http://www.amazon.com/Dr-Pepper-7-Up-Tahitian/dp/B0002IMRTC/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-5343689-0052618?ie=UTF8&s=gourmet-food&qid=1186058755&sr=8-1

What's so special about TT? Two things: This fruit punch-flavored pop tastes awesome. And each can contains 784% of the RDA of vitamin C, 173 grams of high quality protein, a day's supply of fiber and 1,426 IU of L-Carnitine, which is well-known for its fat-burning qualities. (For more on this beverage's amazing health-boosting qualities, go to http://www.urafkntwt.com/.)

Legalize It

You like the legalization of marijuana: http://norml.org/

I'm not some rabid pothead. Sure, I like to smoke occasionally, but I could probably count on one hand - okay, maybe two - the number of times each year I get high. I break the law each time, but I've never been busted for it, so why does it matter?

Principle, that's why. If law and justice are to be respected, then they must be fair and proportional. You can't have alcohol legal and marijuana illegal unless you can demonstrate that the latter is substantially more dangerous. And virtually all experts on the subject argue the opposite.

That's just one argument, of course. Some people - I might be one of them - would argue that the state has no business knowing what natural plant I choose to grow and smoke. If it's grown on my property and inhaled into my body, then fuck you. Then there's the tax revenue legalization would generate. Plus the additional savings to law enforcement (both in terms of saving on enforcement, and removing drug profits from the hands of organized crime - check out: http://www.leap.cc/cms/index.php).

An unjust law doesn't need to be obeyed. So smoke 'em if you got 'em. Hell, get 'em just so you can smoke 'em - and strike a blow against the tyranny of overbearing government.