Brain bumpers

You like hockey helmets.

I don't play hockey. I don't watch hockey. I resent the fact that popular culture defines me as a hockey lover simply because I was born in Canada. But wearing a hockey helmet all day, every day strikes me as 1) eminently sensible and 2) very fashionable.

Having a black shell protecting your cranium makes one very cool statement: "I'm prepared. If you flip me off, I might try to punch your lights out, and I don't care if you go for your tire iron because I'm wearing a hockey helmet. Oh, instead you want to flee and have a high-speed chase? Well I can do that, too. That's right, cuz I'm wearing a hockey helmet."

And if someone assumes you're retarded, good. Let's have a little more solidarity with our brain-impaired brethren.

Here's a little known fact: Delta force special ops don't wear standard helmets, they wear hockey helmets. So do astronauts and lumberjacks.

So wear a helmet. And wear hockey gloves, too. They make you look like a wicked robot.