You like survivors, and the Arctic's muskox certainly qualifies. This species has remained virtually unchanged since woolly mammoths roamed the Earth. And it looks the part, with its shaggy coat and curling horns: http://www.saskschools.ca/~gregory/arctic/Amuskox.html.
While they may have survived, they haven't exactly flourished in recent years. Muskox have this disastrous self-defense method: when confronted with predators, they form a circle, horns pointed out. Makes sense when you're fending off wolves, but it also made them sitting ducks for human hunters armed with rifles. They were decimated.
The good news is that governments have acted to protect the species, which now numbers in the high tens of thousands. Still, we can't be certain they're truly safe until every Canadian home has it least one muskox in the backyard. These highly intelligent animals are surprisingly adaptable to urban life, and can be trained to complete numerous domestic duties, such as washing dishes.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Ralph Nader
You like Ralph Nader, not because you agree with everything he says, but because in a nation where politicians are too often self-aggrandizing liars, he's the real deal.
Nader (http://www.nader.org/) has been villified by many members of the Left for the role he played as a "spoiler" in the 2000 election. That's total bullshit. Citizens are free to vote, not free to vote for option A or B and never C. Besides, Gore didn't even carry his own state. The truth of the matter is that Democrats have idealized and set on pedestals utterly pedestrian presidents and presidential wannabes. Clinton will be forgotten by history - except for his game of hide the cigar with Lewinsky. And Gore's environmental cheerleading has already been exposed as sheer hypocrisy.
Meanwhile, Nader's record of legislative change is unparalleled for a private citizen. I fear that his vision of government for America would be too weak in foreign policy, and too strident domestically. But he's absolutely right that the current system gives far too much power to moneyed interests. I might not want Nader to be the president, but I do like the idea of him holding the feet of presidential candidates to the fire.
We need more of Nader - and other plain-speaking third-party candidates - not less.
Nader (http://www.nader.org/) has been villified by many members of the Left for the role he played as a "spoiler" in the 2000 election. That's total bullshit. Citizens are free to vote, not free to vote for option A or B and never C. Besides, Gore didn't even carry his own state. The truth of the matter is that Democrats have idealized and set on pedestals utterly pedestrian presidents and presidential wannabes. Clinton will be forgotten by history - except for his game of hide the cigar with Lewinsky. And Gore's environmental cheerleading has already been exposed as sheer hypocrisy.
Meanwhile, Nader's record of legislative change is unparalleled for a private citizen. I fear that his vision of government for America would be too weak in foreign policy, and too strident domestically. But he's absolutely right that the current system gives far too much power to moneyed interests. I might not want Nader to be the president, but I do like the idea of him holding the feet of presidential candidates to the fire.
We need more of Nader - and other plain-speaking third-party candidates - not less.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Stubbies
You like having the right bottle for your beer. If you're Canadian, that can only mean a stubby.
Check out this insanely extensive photo library of Canadian stubby beer bottles - http://www.stubby.ca/ - and you'll know what I'm talking about. When I was growing up, beer came in stubbies. Then some bright light at one of the big breweries decided to switch to the long neck bottle. I'm sure they had their reasons, but fuck 'em: Canadians liked their stubbies and still do.
Craft brewers have caught on to this simmering passion. Heritage Brewing, Brick, and Scotch Irish all have stubby-bottled beers. Heritage Traditional Dark is quite tasty, although it seems to be uncommonly headache-inducing. Scotch Irish's Sgt. Major IPA also seems to have a similar morning-after effect. Unfortunately, though, it also tastes a bit like ass (this may be in part the fault of the liquor store - the clowns were storing the beer at room temperature, a no-no for the Sgt.). Brick's Conners Best Bitter and Red Cap are both unremarkable but go down easily enough. The latter has been quite successful, both because of its reasonable price and, you guessed it, stubby bottle.
There's SFA to be done about the situation, though. Expecting Canadians to boycott our favorite long neck beers is as naive as expecting the Leafs to win the Stanley Cup. If there's one hope, though, it's that a craft brewer brings out a tasty, mainstream, widely-distributed lager - in a stubby - that beats the large brewers at their own game. That might get the ball rolling.
Check out this insanely extensive photo library of Canadian stubby beer bottles - http://www.stubby.ca/ - and you'll know what I'm talking about. When I was growing up, beer came in stubbies. Then some bright light at one of the big breweries decided to switch to the long neck bottle. I'm sure they had their reasons, but fuck 'em: Canadians liked their stubbies and still do.
Craft brewers have caught on to this simmering passion. Heritage Brewing, Brick, and Scotch Irish all have stubby-bottled beers. Heritage Traditional Dark is quite tasty, although it seems to be uncommonly headache-inducing. Scotch Irish's Sgt. Major IPA also seems to have a similar morning-after effect. Unfortunately, though, it also tastes a bit like ass (this may be in part the fault of the liquor store - the clowns were storing the beer at room temperature, a no-no for the Sgt.). Brick's Conners Best Bitter and Red Cap are both unremarkable but go down easily enough. The latter has been quite successful, both because of its reasonable price and, you guessed it, stubby bottle.
There's SFA to be done about the situation, though. Expecting Canadians to boycott our favorite long neck beers is as naive as expecting the Leafs to win the Stanley Cup. If there's one hope, though, it's that a craft brewer brings out a tasty, mainstream, widely-distributed lager - in a stubby - that beats the large brewers at their own game. That might get the ball rolling.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Bick's Pickles
You like smart, funny, edgy television commercials, and the Bick's pickles commercials featuring a little green alien broadcaster are all three. You know the series I'm talking about. If you don't, you can see all three here: http://www.bicks.ca/en/media.aspx?utm_source=link_multimedia&utm_medium=homepage&utm_content=en. The alien refers to the pickles as sentient, "noble creatures," while the humans gather in "herds" and engage in "feeding frenzies."
Frankly, I'm surprised commercials this cool got the green light. You just know Bick's has gotten angry emails about them. I can't for the life of me think of what those emails would be bitching about - I'm not stupid enough to conceive of how these commercials could offend - but you know they've been sent. Well, fair play to Bick's for sending those whiny fucks a polite "bite me" by keeping the commercials on the air. And the next time you eat a pickle, imagine the snap and crunch is really a pitiful scream.
Frankly, I'm surprised commercials this cool got the green light. You just know Bick's has gotten angry emails about them. I can't for the life of me think of what those emails would be bitching about - I'm not stupid enough to conceive of how these commercials could offend - but you know they've been sent. Well, fair play to Bick's for sending those whiny fucks a polite "bite me" by keeping the commercials on the air. And the next time you eat a pickle, imagine the snap and crunch is really a pitiful scream.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Antique Maps
You like antique maps.
Did you know about these? There are hundreds of thousands of antique maps floating around out there, in the hands of collectors, investors and regular schmoes. Incredibly, they're not usually that expensive. Okay, if you think of them as old pieces of stained paper, yes, they're expensive. But if you think of them as art, they're a steal. Larger maps from the 19th century can be had for as little as $100 - or even less - while miniature maps from the 18th or even 17th centuries start at less than $200. This site - http://www.maphistory.info/ - is a decent place to start (use the links on the left-side of the home page).
You're probably thinking, "Who gives a shit?" That's because you have your head up your ass. History is cool, therefore owning a piece of history is also cool. And just think: once you own an antique map, you can go to the place detailed on it, and insist on using the old, inaccurate map when you ask for directions from locals: "But look, the map says the coastline should be RIGHT HERE!"
Did you know about these? There are hundreds of thousands of antique maps floating around out there, in the hands of collectors, investors and regular schmoes. Incredibly, they're not usually that expensive. Okay, if you think of them as old pieces of stained paper, yes, they're expensive. But if you think of them as art, they're a steal. Larger maps from the 19th century can be had for as little as $100 - or even less - while miniature maps from the 18th or even 17th centuries start at less than $200. This site - http://www.maphistory.info/ - is a decent place to start (use the links on the left-side of the home page).
You're probably thinking, "Who gives a shit?" That's because you have your head up your ass. History is cool, therefore owning a piece of history is also cool. And just think: once you own an antique map, you can go to the place detailed on it, and insist on using the old, inaccurate map when you ask for directions from locals: "But look, the map says the coastline should be RIGHT HERE!"
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Banzai! Banzai! Banzai!
You like Japan's national anthem, Kimigayo.
It's a controversial piece of music. The lyrics call for the emperor of Japan to reign for "eight thousand generations." It was the anthem under which imperial Japan became fascist Japan and launched wars of aggression against her neighbors.
I'm a little torn, myself. Emperors and Queens have no place in democracies. But hey, great art is great art. Leni Riefenstahl was a filmmaker who served the cause of fascism. She was also one of the greatest directors of her era. The Japanese don't have to keep apologizing for their national anthem - it's a gorgeous, haunting tune (U.S. Navy Band recording): http://tools.wikimedia.de/~gmaxwell/jorbis/JOrbisPlayer.php?path=Kimi+ga+Yo+instrumental.ogg&wiki=en.
They should keep apologizing for Godzilla, however - that bastard has leveled one too many cities to skate.
It's a controversial piece of music. The lyrics call for the emperor of Japan to reign for "eight thousand generations." It was the anthem under which imperial Japan became fascist Japan and launched wars of aggression against her neighbors.
I'm a little torn, myself. Emperors and Queens have no place in democracies. But hey, great art is great art. Leni Riefenstahl was a filmmaker who served the cause of fascism. She was also one of the greatest directors of her era. The Japanese don't have to keep apologizing for their national anthem - it's a gorgeous, haunting tune (U.S. Navy Band recording): http://tools.wikimedia.de/~gmaxwell/jorbis/JOrbisPlayer.php?path=Kimi+ga+Yo+instrumental.ogg&wiki=en.
They should keep apologizing for Godzilla, however - that bastard has leveled one too many cities to skate.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Medieval Castle
You like owning a home with murder holes over the front entrance and a dungeon in the basement. A medieval castle should fit the bill.
You've got a couple of choices: buy or build. Buying a castle has a number of advantages, the primary one being its authenticity and history. Owning an 800-year old castle is cool (http://www.castles-for-sale.com/). Building your own castle smacks of 40-year old virgins who took their Dungeons and Dragons a bit too seriously.
Building a castle has its pluses, though. Modern building materials mean your new home will be comfy, and you won't have a two million dollar roof repair bill a year after you buy the thing. Plus, you can site it wherever you wish. Affordable, ancient castles might be located in crappy countries where people shit standing up. Ugh.
These dudes look like they do good work: http://www.castlemagic.com/color.html. Just ignore the goofy photos of nerds in period costumes. I'm down with wanting a castle, but aspiring to be Henry VIII - that murderous fuck - is just lame. Royalty sucks.
You've got a couple of choices: buy or build. Buying a castle has a number of advantages, the primary one being its authenticity and history. Owning an 800-year old castle is cool (http://www.castles-for-sale.com/). Building your own castle smacks of 40-year old virgins who took their Dungeons and Dragons a bit too seriously.
Building a castle has its pluses, though. Modern building materials mean your new home will be comfy, and you won't have a two million dollar roof repair bill a year after you buy the thing. Plus, you can site it wherever you wish. Affordable, ancient castles might be located in crappy countries where people shit standing up. Ugh.
These dudes look like they do good work: http://www.castlemagic.com/color.html. Just ignore the goofy photos of nerds in period costumes. I'm down with wanting a castle, but aspiring to be Henry VIII - that murderous fuck - is just lame. Royalty sucks.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Pit Bull Ban
You don't like Chris Smith, a bylaw enforcement officer in Barrie, Ontario.
Here's the allegation: Elisa Hadley, a single mother of two, says that she was visited yesterday by Smith. Smith took pictures of her two young dogs - a "hound cross" and an "English Staffordshire terrier" - then informed her that he would be coming by today to pick up the dogs and kill them. This, presumably, would be because of his belief that her dogs violated the province's spiteful and ridiculous "pit bull" ban (a ban that is currently being challenged in the courts; the judge has already ruled that the term "pit bull" is unconstitutionally vague).
Now, all of this information is coming to us third-hand. But IF the allegations are correct - and I have no reason to suspect they aren't - and IF there are no extenuating circumstances, such as complaints about the dogs because they've been running loose and attacking people, then Smith is in gross violation of his duties as, well, a decent human being.
If the allegations are true, best case scenario he's a drone who thinks following the rules exonerates him from making moral decisions; worst case scenario, he's a stormtrooper aspirant who takes personal delight in killing dogs purely on the basis of his perception of them belonging to an "inherently vicious" breed known as "pit bulls." In either scenario, he would be contemptible.
Here's a crazy idea: Instead of confiscating family pets, maybe he could devote himself to tracking down the animal abusers who make dogs vicious in the first place.
The facts on breed bans are clear. The provincial pit bull ban was passed, despite almost unanimous expert opinion opposing it, solely as a PR exercise (http://www.dogwatch.net/). Bylaw officers have a moral duty to use their brains and to refuse to enforce laws that are immoral. This is even more clearly the case now that an Ontario judge has agreed with what dog owners have been saying all along: the term "pit bull" is overly vague. If this seizure takes place, Smith and the city of Barrie (Mayor Dave Aspden: officeofthemayor@barrie.ca) will be violating Hadley's constitutional rights. They have no moral authority to do this and possibly no legal authority either.
The seizure would be unlawful and should be defied.
PS: Perhaps Smith or another city official will leave a comment. I'd be happy to provide them with a forum in which to "justify" this heinous alleged act.
Here's the allegation: Elisa Hadley, a single mother of two, says that she was visited yesterday by Smith. Smith took pictures of her two young dogs - a "hound cross" and an "English Staffordshire terrier" - then informed her that he would be coming by today to pick up the dogs and kill them. This, presumably, would be because of his belief that her dogs violated the province's spiteful and ridiculous "pit bull" ban (a ban that is currently being challenged in the courts; the judge has already ruled that the term "pit bull" is unconstitutionally vague).
Now, all of this information is coming to us third-hand. But IF the allegations are correct - and I have no reason to suspect they aren't - and IF there are no extenuating circumstances, such as complaints about the dogs because they've been running loose and attacking people, then Smith is in gross violation of his duties as, well, a decent human being.
If the allegations are true, best case scenario he's a drone who thinks following the rules exonerates him from making moral decisions; worst case scenario, he's a stormtrooper aspirant who takes personal delight in killing dogs purely on the basis of his perception of them belonging to an "inherently vicious" breed known as "pit bulls." In either scenario, he would be contemptible.
Here's a crazy idea: Instead of confiscating family pets, maybe he could devote himself to tracking down the animal abusers who make dogs vicious in the first place.
The facts on breed bans are clear. The provincial pit bull ban was passed, despite almost unanimous expert opinion opposing it, solely as a PR exercise (http://www.dogwatch.net/). Bylaw officers have a moral duty to use their brains and to refuse to enforce laws that are immoral. This is even more clearly the case now that an Ontario judge has agreed with what dog owners have been saying all along: the term "pit bull" is overly vague. If this seizure takes place, Smith and the city of Barrie (Mayor Dave Aspden: officeofthemayor@barrie.ca) will be violating Hadley's constitutional rights. They have no moral authority to do this and possibly no legal authority either.
The seizure would be unlawful and should be defied.
PS: Perhaps Smith or another city official will leave a comment. I'd be happy to provide them with a forum in which to "justify" this heinous alleged act.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Orangutans
You like orangutans.
The missus and I had a chance to see these "people of the forest" (the direct translation of orangutan) at a rescue center in Borneo. An uncaged male - a massive fellow - walked past me close enough to reach out and touch. Orangs are a "great ape," as are gorillas and chimps. The intelligence of these usually gentle beings is undeniable. A movement is afoot in some countries to give apes status beyond that of other animals; to recognize them as "persons" and afford them certain rights. This laudable idea may come too late for orangs, however - their numbers are being decimated as jungle is destroyed to grow palms to supply the world with palm kernel oil, a common ingredient in many of the foods you eat: http://www.orangutan.com/orangutans_avoid_palmoil.html.
And here's something you never thought of, smart guy: If all the orangutans are dead, where are you going to find one to accompany you in your 18-wheeler as you drive across America getting in fist fights?
The missus and I had a chance to see these "people of the forest" (the direct translation of orangutan) at a rescue center in Borneo. An uncaged male - a massive fellow - walked past me close enough to reach out and touch. Orangs are a "great ape," as are gorillas and chimps. The intelligence of these usually gentle beings is undeniable. A movement is afoot in some countries to give apes status beyond that of other animals; to recognize them as "persons" and afford them certain rights. This laudable idea may come too late for orangs, however - their numbers are being decimated as jungle is destroyed to grow palms to supply the world with palm kernel oil, a common ingredient in many of the foods you eat: http://www.orangutan.com/orangutans_avoid_palmoil.html.
And here's something you never thought of, smart guy: If all the orangutans are dead, where are you going to find one to accompany you in your 18-wheeler as you drive across America getting in fist fights?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Shillelagh
You like authenticity.
Ever heard of a shillelagh? It's pronounced shi-lay-lee, and it's a fancy word for a stick the Irish used to carry to hit people and animals with. They've become popular tourist trinkets. Or rather, a wussy version of them has become a popular tourist trinket. Check out this one, complete with a three-leaf clover: http://www.amazon.com/Genuine-Irish-Shillelagh/dp/B000RE4DQQ/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-6692455-5914307?ie=UTF8&s=miscellaneous&qid=1184762805&sr=8-1. "Traditional Irish fighting cudgel" my ass - that toy couldn't thump an undernourished leprechaun! It's a bloody disgrace that a proud tradition of beating people has been watered down to this state.
All is not lost, however. There are still a few craftsmen in Ireland making real shillelaghs. Check out these bad boys, made by Liam Kealy: http://misticshillelagh.tripod.com/id1.html. Now there's a cudgel you'd be proud to carry while staggering home from a night at the pub.
Ever heard of a shillelagh? It's pronounced shi-lay-lee, and it's a fancy word for a stick the Irish used to carry to hit people and animals with. They've become popular tourist trinkets. Or rather, a wussy version of them has become a popular tourist trinket. Check out this one, complete with a three-leaf clover: http://www.amazon.com/Genuine-Irish-Shillelagh/dp/B000RE4DQQ/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-6692455-5914307?ie=UTF8&s=miscellaneous&qid=1184762805&sr=8-1. "Traditional Irish fighting cudgel" my ass - that toy couldn't thump an undernourished leprechaun! It's a bloody disgrace that a proud tradition of beating people has been watered down to this state.
All is not lost, however. There are still a few craftsmen in Ireland making real shillelaghs. Check out these bad boys, made by Liam Kealy: http://misticshillelagh.tripod.com/id1.html. Now there's a cudgel you'd be proud to carry while staggering home from a night at the pub.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Land Rover Defender
You like going on safari with the Land Rover Defender.
Yeah, yeah, I know all the blah blah blah about global warming and fuel consumption. But just LOOK at this vehicle: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Land_Rover_Defender_front_20070518.jpg
Isn't it worth a melting glacier or two?
Predating the Hummer by decades, the Defender was an SUV before the term existed. Its only competition for cool is the Mercedes G-Wagon. But guess what? This kick-ass car can't be purchased in Canada because it has no air bags. Yes, the nanny state strikes again, ostensibly working hard to keep us safe. The argument breaks down in the fine print, though: the policy only applies to new(ish) vehicles - if the car you're buying is an old junker, it doesn't have to have airbags. So somehow I'm safer in a 20-year old Land Rover than I am in a brand new one.
Let's call this policy what it is - protectionism. Protectionism may or may not be the right way to keep a thriving auto industry in Canada, but hiding behind a hypocritical claim of "safety concerns" (presuming that it's the government's role to force air bags on us in the first place) makes me puke.
Transport Canada, you suck.
By the way, some sources have expressed concerns about LR's quality (http://www.autoweek.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060810/FREE/60807017/1041/PROMOBLOG0). But the same source, Auto Week, gave a positive review of the 2007 Defender (albeit one that doesn't really address long-term quality): http://www.autoweek.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070510/FREE/70507014&Profile=1041
Yeah, yeah, I know all the blah blah blah about global warming and fuel consumption. But just LOOK at this vehicle: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Land_Rover_Defender_front_20070518.jpg
Isn't it worth a melting glacier or two?
Predating the Hummer by decades, the Defender was an SUV before the term existed. Its only competition for cool is the Mercedes G-Wagon. But guess what? This kick-ass car can't be purchased in Canada because it has no air bags. Yes, the nanny state strikes again, ostensibly working hard to keep us safe. The argument breaks down in the fine print, though: the policy only applies to new(ish) vehicles - if the car you're buying is an old junker, it doesn't have to have airbags. So somehow I'm safer in a 20-year old Land Rover than I am in a brand new one.
Let's call this policy what it is - protectionism. Protectionism may or may not be the right way to keep a thriving auto industry in Canada, but hiding behind a hypocritical claim of "safety concerns" (presuming that it's the government's role to force air bags on us in the first place) makes me puke.
Transport Canada, you suck.
By the way, some sources have expressed concerns about LR's quality (http://www.autoweek.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060810/FREE/60807017/1041/PROMOBLOG0). But the same source, Auto Week, gave a positive review of the 2007 Defender (albeit one that doesn't really address long-term quality): http://www.autoweek.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070510/FREE/70507014&Profile=1041
Monday, July 16, 2007
Bruce Trail
You like the Bruce Trail (http://www.brucetrail.org/), an 840 km footpath that starts in Niagara-on-the-Lake and ends in Tobermory.
I've made a vow to complete all of the sections of trail over the next 12 months, and when I finish, I've promised myself a t-shirt with the words "Ranger Rick" emblazoned across the front, and "Rules!" on the back. That's totally bad-ass.
It would be a mistake to think it's just endless miles of forest, hills and meadows. Each section has a theme. The fifth part is the Elven Kingdom. Volunteers dress up as elves and cavort through the treetops. The final section, which runs up the Bruce Peninsula, is called Bear Point. They've shipped all of the black bears from the rest of the trail to this 42 kilometre section. It's supposed to be freakin' brutal - a bear density of 350 bruins per square mile. They won't even let you attempt this part unless you have a minimum of three cannisters of bear spray and a spear.
You know what, fuck the t-shirt - I might get "Ranger Rick Rules" tattooed on my forehead.
I've made a vow to complete all of the sections of trail over the next 12 months, and when I finish, I've promised myself a t-shirt with the words "Ranger Rick" emblazoned across the front, and "Rules!" on the back. That's totally bad-ass.
It would be a mistake to think it's just endless miles of forest, hills and meadows. Each section has a theme. The fifth part is the Elven Kingdom. Volunteers dress up as elves and cavort through the treetops. The final section, which runs up the Bruce Peninsula, is called Bear Point. They've shipped all of the black bears from the rest of the trail to this 42 kilometre section. It's supposed to be freakin' brutal - a bear density of 350 bruins per square mile. They won't even let you attempt this part unless you have a minimum of three cannisters of bear spray and a spear.
You know what, fuck the t-shirt - I might get "Ranger Rick Rules" tattooed on my forehead.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Swiss Torture?
You like being prepared, which is why you should always pack a Victorinox pocket knife when you leave home (http://www.swissarmy.com/).
Remember these little knives from younger years? Yeah, you were too young to appreciate their genius. A lot of engineering goes into each one. Four of my faves are the Manager (having a pen on your keychain kicks ass), the Champ (an entire toolbox in your pocket), the Pioneer Harvester (the saw and pruner rock) and the One-Hand Trekker (for bare-bones survival).
But the best pocket knife to come out of the little mountain country isn't the Swiss Army type, but the Swiss Secret Police line. I'm very partial to the Persuader, with locking bowie blade and three "interview" tools (the thumb-screw is particularly ingenious). And you thought chocolate was Switzerland's most dangerous export...
Remember these little knives from younger years? Yeah, you were too young to appreciate their genius. A lot of engineering goes into each one. Four of my faves are the Manager (having a pen on your keychain kicks ass), the Champ (an entire toolbox in your pocket), the Pioneer Harvester (the saw and pruner rock) and the One-Hand Trekker (for bare-bones survival).
But the best pocket knife to come out of the little mountain country isn't the Swiss Army type, but the Swiss Secret Police line. I'm very partial to the Persuader, with locking bowie blade and three "interview" tools (the thumb-screw is particularly ingenious). And you thought chocolate was Switzerland's most dangerous export...
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Soylent Green
You like Halifax, Nova Scotia (http://www.halifaxinfo.com/).
It might be the best city of its size (half a million-ish) in North America: beautiful parks, stately homes, picturesque harbor, bustling downtown, interesting history, hopping nightlife, vibrant music and arts scene, friendly residents, and less than an hour from some of the prettiest ocean drives in the world. Oh, and it's the capital of Nova Scotia, the best province in Canada (I'm from Ontario, so no bitching about bias).
A word of warning, though: beware of the infamous Halifax donair - it's made of people.
It might be the best city of its size (half a million-ish) in North America: beautiful parks, stately homes, picturesque harbor, bustling downtown, interesting history, hopping nightlife, vibrant music and arts scene, friendly residents, and less than an hour from some of the prettiest ocean drives in the world. Oh, and it's the capital of Nova Scotia, the best province in Canada (I'm from Ontario, so no bitching about bias).
A word of warning, though: beware of the infamous Halifax donair - it's made of people.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Master and Commander
You like circumnavigating the globe in a sail boat.
Tour de France, Everest, swimming the English Channel - they're all worthy goals. But sailing around the world has history; it's judging yourself by the timeless standards of untold generations. Sailing's got its gadgets, sure, but the fundamentals haven't changed in millenia. You harness the wind and water and pit yourself against the elements. Only self-imposed discipline and mastery of craft separate you from a watery grave.
A journey like this requires some preparation, however. Make sure you have G & S's "The HMS Pinafore" on CD for the doldrums. Also pack an automatic weapon and a kevlar vest to fend off pirates (the South China Sea is thick with the bastards - you can jump vessel-to-vessel from Borneo to Vietnam). And a plump companion's a good idea, too, so you can host your own Donner party if the food runs low (http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/07/0722_040722_donnerparty.html).
Tour de France, Everest, swimming the English Channel - they're all worthy goals. But sailing around the world has history; it's judging yourself by the timeless standards of untold generations. Sailing's got its gadgets, sure, but the fundamentals haven't changed in millenia. You harness the wind and water and pit yourself against the elements. Only self-imposed discipline and mastery of craft separate you from a watery grave.
A journey like this requires some preparation, however. Make sure you have G & S's "The HMS Pinafore" on CD for the doldrums. Also pack an automatic weapon and a kevlar vest to fend off pirates (the South China Sea is thick with the bastards - you can jump vessel-to-vessel from Borneo to Vietnam). And a plump companion's a good idea, too, so you can host your own Donner party if the food runs low (http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/07/0722_040722_donnerparty.html).
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Bourbon
You like the vapors of a single-barrel bourbon filling your nostrils and misting down your throat (http://www.straightbourbon.com/). You also like heresy, which is why you're going to agree with me that bourbon is superior to its loftier relative, scotch.
I'm not gonna get into arguments about 28-year old bottles of whisky (or whiskey) because I've never tasted such a rarefied beverage; there may be some Loch Orkney Angus McHamish cask that puts all other liquids on the planet to shame. But when it comes to more affordable bottles, there's no question that America's spirit is consistently superior to Scotland's. Plus, it's so much less pretentious. Bourbon makes you feel like you've got a sawed-off shotgun under your mattress, and the preacher's wife on top of it.
It's a little wicked, a little low class, and real tasty.
I'm not gonna get into arguments about 28-year old bottles of whisky (or whiskey) because I've never tasted such a rarefied beverage; there may be some Loch Orkney Angus McHamish cask that puts all other liquids on the planet to shame. But when it comes to more affordable bottles, there's no question that America's spirit is consistently superior to Scotland's. Plus, it's so much less pretentious. Bourbon makes you feel like you've got a sawed-off shotgun under your mattress, and the preacher's wife on top of it.
It's a little wicked, a little low class, and real tasty.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Blacksmithing
You like taking the elements of the Earth, scorching them with flames, and bending them to your will, which is why you want to learn the timeless art of blacksmithing: http://www.ontarioblacksmiths.ca/
Pounding glowing metal with a hammer is cool. You can make all kinds of shit: horseshoes, samurai swords, decorative wine racks, even one of those "dinner's served" chuck wagon triangles. No, especially one of those.
Even if you aren't interested in doing blacksmithing, you should at least own an anvil - a big, 600-pound bastard. Park it in the front foyer of your semi-detached townhome. When you have guests over for cocktails and a game of bridge, periodically shriek, run to the anvil, and strike it with a big hammer. You'll laugh about that with your wife for weeks.
Pounding glowing metal with a hammer is cool. You can make all kinds of shit: horseshoes, samurai swords, decorative wine racks, even one of those "dinner's served" chuck wagon triangles. No, especially one of those.
Even if you aren't interested in doing blacksmithing, you should at least own an anvil - a big, 600-pound bastard. Park it in the front foyer of your semi-detached townhome. When you have guests over for cocktails and a game of bridge, periodically shriek, run to the anvil, and strike it with a big hammer. You'll laugh about that with your wife for weeks.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Live Earth
You DON'T like Live Earth: http://www.liveearth.org/
Where to begin? Ah yes, celebrities - people who on any other day fly around in private jets, reside in 10,000 square foot homes and are whisked through cities in stretched SUVs. But for this special day, they love the planet.
How about the fans? Tens of thousands of them around the world driving their cars to concrete parking lots to herd into vast stadiums pulsating with electricity. They'll buy the tee-shirt and feel good about themselves whenever they think about being at the concert but continue living their lives virtually the same way they've always lived them.
And the media, the hype machine that lends significance to these vapid demonstrations. Will a mainstream network or newspaper calculate the cost in fossil fuel to ferry all of these singers to the venues, or tally the landfills swollen by the garbage left behind, or challenge the sheer idiocy of thinking that rocking out for an afternoon has anything whatsoever to do with climate change?
The whole thing is bullshit.
Where to begin? Ah yes, celebrities - people who on any other day fly around in private jets, reside in 10,000 square foot homes and are whisked through cities in stretched SUVs. But for this special day, they love the planet.
How about the fans? Tens of thousands of them around the world driving their cars to concrete parking lots to herd into vast stadiums pulsating with electricity. They'll buy the tee-shirt and feel good about themselves whenever they think about being at the concert but continue living their lives virtually the same way they've always lived them.
And the media, the hype machine that lends significance to these vapid demonstrations. Will a mainstream network or newspaper calculate the cost in fossil fuel to ferry all of these singers to the venues, or tally the landfills swollen by the garbage left behind, or challenge the sheer idiocy of thinking that rocking out for an afternoon has anything whatsoever to do with climate change?
The whole thing is bullshit.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Sumo
You like the sport of sumo (http://www.sumo.or.jp/eng/index.html).
Hold the overplayed wise cracks about fat dudes in diapers. Yeah, sumo wrestlers have lots of fat, and they compete in jock straps: we get it. What you didn't get - until now - was how fucking kick-ass this sport is, or how exceptionally talented the top wrestlers are.
Two men, no equipment - except a mawashi/belt - and victory or humiliation in 10 seconds or (much) less. Power, deception, technique, perseverance - everything a great sport needs. And don't underestimate the fitness of the athletes. Yes, they'd suck at marathons. But for their sport, they're as perfectly tuned as a cheetah is for sprinting. A top competitor, like Asashoryu (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asashoryu), is agile AND built like a gorilla. And when it comes to technique, he's a master artisan. Dumping people on their faces is as natural for him as breathing.
So flip on the satellite TV, crack open a can of Asahi and school yourself. Most other sports pale by comparison - especially soccer. Soccer's for little bitches.
Hold the overplayed wise cracks about fat dudes in diapers. Yeah, sumo wrestlers have lots of fat, and they compete in jock straps: we get it. What you didn't get - until now - was how fucking kick-ass this sport is, or how exceptionally talented the top wrestlers are.
Two men, no equipment - except a mawashi/belt - and victory or humiliation in 10 seconds or (much) less. Power, deception, technique, perseverance - everything a great sport needs. And don't underestimate the fitness of the athletes. Yes, they'd suck at marathons. But for their sport, they're as perfectly tuned as a cheetah is for sprinting. A top competitor, like Asashoryu (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asashoryu), is agile AND built like a gorilla. And when it comes to technique, he's a master artisan. Dumping people on their faces is as natural for him as breathing.
So flip on the satellite TV, crack open a can of Asahi and school yourself. Most other sports pale by comparison - especially soccer. Soccer's for little bitches.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Jesse Ventura
You ain't got time to bleed, which is why you like Jesse Ventura, the former governor of Minnesota (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesse_Ventura). Many of his critics probably don't know that he served as a Navy Seal before pursuing wrestling and acting. His fiscal conservatism and social liberalism were good baseline positions, and he's one of the very few politicians who had the integrity to admit his atheism (in a Playboy interview).
Check out Do I Stand Alone?: http://www.amazon.com/Do-Stand-Alone-Against-Political/dp/0743405870/ref=sr_1_7/104-7689561-4961512?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1183658182&sr=8-7. He doesn't get everything right - and his critique of the media, while making some valid points, veers into whining - but this plain-speaking book banishes the idea that he was a leader with no substance.
And then, when you finish the book, watch Predator - just cuz it's freakin' cool.
Check out Do I Stand Alone?: http://www.amazon.com/Do-Stand-Alone-Against-Political/dp/0743405870/ref=sr_1_7/104-7689561-4961512?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1183658182&sr=8-7. He doesn't get everything right - and his critique of the media, while making some valid points, veers into whining - but this plain-speaking book banishes the idea that he was a leader with no substance.
And then, when you finish the book, watch Predator - just cuz it's freakin' cool.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Laguiole Corkscrew
You like having the right tool for the job, and the right tool for opening a fine bottle of wine is an aluminum Forge de Laguiole corkscrew: http://www.forge-de-laguiole.com/visualisation.asp?image=upload/pagesEdito/SOMAlu3.jpg - hand-made and guaranteed for life, neither of which would justify the over-$200 price were the object itself not so aesthetically pleasing.
Sensible? Of course not. A two buck special from your local liquor depot will get a bottle open. But then 99-percent of the purchases we make aren't sensible, are they? If all we need is food and shelter, how many of the things we spend cash on qualify?
Like a beautifully-crafted pottery mug - $20, when a $1 mass-produced mug holds coffee just as well - this object combines function and art, seamlessly elevating the quality of otherwise routine activities.
Too esoteric for you? Well then, let me use language you'll understand: IT LOOk GOoD. rICK SAY u LiKE.
Sensible? Of course not. A two buck special from your local liquor depot will get a bottle open. But then 99-percent of the purchases we make aren't sensible, are they? If all we need is food and shelter, how many of the things we spend cash on qualify?
Like a beautifully-crafted pottery mug - $20, when a $1 mass-produced mug holds coffee just as well - this object combines function and art, seamlessly elevating the quality of otherwise routine activities.
Too esoteric for you? Well then, let me use language you'll understand: IT LOOk GOoD. rICK SAY u LiKE.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Wart Hogs
You like warthogs - both kinds: the animal and the airplane.
Warthogs are those loveable little tusked pigs you see in wildlife docs shot in Africa. Having a warthog pet isn't as strange as you might think (check out this fella: http://www.pbase.com/joe19382/image/28095197). They're smart critters and much smaller than their domestic relatives. Plus they're handy for disciplining unruly kids: "Sir Piglet says it's bed time. Remember what happened the last time you made Sir Piglet angry?"
The A-10 warthog might not make a great pet, but it would be perfect for destroying your neighbor's hummer (http://www.a-10.org/photos/photos2.asp). Its nine-foot machine gun fires depleted uranium shells. The gun sounds likes this: "BRRRRRRRAP!" Of course, if you're the target you won't hear that sound - you'll already be cut in half.
What would kick huge ass would be having both. You could cut a hole in the plane right behind the cockpit and plunk your warthog in it, just like R2D2 in Luke's X-wing - but cooler, because a pissed-off warthog would turn that lippy droid into a trash can in five seconds flat. Here's an adorable patch combining the two warthogs: http://www.adamsplanes.com/images/A-10/A-10%20patch.jpg
Warthogs are those loveable little tusked pigs you see in wildlife docs shot in Africa. Having a warthog pet isn't as strange as you might think (check out this fella: http://www.pbase.com/joe19382/image/28095197). They're smart critters and much smaller than their domestic relatives. Plus they're handy for disciplining unruly kids: "Sir Piglet says it's bed time. Remember what happened the last time you made Sir Piglet angry?"
The A-10 warthog might not make a great pet, but it would be perfect for destroying your neighbor's hummer (http://www.a-10.org/photos/photos2.asp). Its nine-foot machine gun fires depleted uranium shells. The gun sounds likes this: "BRRRRRRRAP!" Of course, if you're the target you won't hear that sound - you'll already be cut in half.
What would kick huge ass would be having both. You could cut a hole in the plane right behind the cockpit and plunk your warthog in it, just like R2D2 in Luke's X-wing - but cooler, because a pissed-off warthog would turn that lippy droid into a trash can in five seconds flat. Here's an adorable patch combining the two warthogs: http://www.adamsplanes.com/images/A-10/A-10%20patch.jpg
Monday, July 2, 2007
ETs
You like the search for life on other planets.
I'm not gonna go off all X-Files on you. The nearest intelligent life is almost certainly distant enough that we'll probably never get to meet face-to-tentacle. But the discovery of even a single alien cell would confirm not only that there's life elsewhere in the universe, but that there's a decent chance evolution has produced intelligent life on other planets as well.
The odds are fading for our solar system, though. Mars missions have failed to produce evidence. Optimists have shifted their gaze to Europa, one of the moons of Jupiter (Callisto and Saturn's Titan are other - distant? -maybes). At some point in the past, a liquid ocean existed beneath Europa's frozen mantle; there may still be liquid - even water - under the ice (http://science.nasa.gov/newhome/headlines/ast09sep99_1.htm).
Actually, when it comes to proving the existence of a mass population of highly-evolved beings with superior intelligence, Europa has one distinct advantage over Europe itself: If there is life on that moon, there's no indication that it's embraced the sport of soccer.
I'm not gonna go off all X-Files on you. The nearest intelligent life is almost certainly distant enough that we'll probably never get to meet face-to-tentacle. But the discovery of even a single alien cell would confirm not only that there's life elsewhere in the universe, but that there's a decent chance evolution has produced intelligent life on other planets as well.
The odds are fading for our solar system, though. Mars missions have failed to produce evidence. Optimists have shifted their gaze to Europa, one of the moons of Jupiter (Callisto and Saturn's Titan are other - distant? -maybes). At some point in the past, a liquid ocean existed beneath Europa's frozen mantle; there may still be liquid - even water - under the ice (http://science.nasa.gov/newhome/headlines/ast09sep99_1.htm).
Actually, when it comes to proving the existence of a mass population of highly-evolved beings with superior intelligence, Europa has one distinct advantage over Europe itself: If there is life on that moon, there's no indication that it's embraced the sport of soccer.
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